Gerhard Martin:MY LIFE: A strangled cry
Medical Doctors tried to judge & label me with the "self-fulfilling Diagnosis" "psychotic/schizophrenic" , retroactively back until age 18, for the sake of distracting UNconsciously from Fears of Death, which they had left themselves, when I was age 8 Months ! :-O
Since I had been strangled and shaken almost to death (-most probably by a young, hopelessly overworked, overstrain & overwrought nurse-) when I was a baby in Kempten Hospital in 1975, my life had been accompanied by the fear of death that my fellow man would RATHER KILL ME in their blind wrath & psychosis, than they would realize what they are doing! :-OAnd everything began THIS way:CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) emotional experience of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:- “Lumbar puncture” (---> = fixation of the baby & spinal cord (liquor) removal)- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”- "Arms always held far to the side, when sitting and lying""permanent holding the arms spread aside NOT noticed (by the Parents)"- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …- Etc. …+ BUT: no love, no empathy, no shelter, no peaceful Proximity, no "nest-warmth", NO basic trust or being accepted :-(Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts” . This would be indeed “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : OShe has expressed the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped for spinal cord removal or “fixed”. :-S :-(My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back, and I stopped sleeping well.Did a hopelessly overstretched and overburdened NURSE not stand my screaming for my parents any more, and start to choke, strangle and shake me, due to helplessness and Unawareness of Needs ?The circumstances in particular could be easily clarified by honestly communicating, but I am afraid I only face a wall of icy silence, hushing-up, glossing-over, veiling, holding-back, keeping secret & concealing …plus: rejections, repulse & attacks ! :-X :-O :’(I constantly struggle with exhaustion and hopelessness-depression that ALL my ever so clear appeals of CONSCIOUSNESS, honest feelings, vulnerability & neediness to my fellow human beings are ultimately VAIN. :-(I am constantly in danger of imploding as a person and to collapse when I offer vulnerability, self-responsibility & free decision on everyone´s choice … but STILL get … or even get MORE violence, threats, abuse, insults, unkindness, disrespect, misunderstanding …. and above all: “NOT-goal”-demands !!!I feel then, how everything starts to turn around me & seeming to be shaking/wiggling in an intoxication of fear …. and every time I use up ALL TRUST of this world to expose me defenseless (-again and again-) to the blind rage of my fellow humans ! 0 :-)But as a thank I get (almost) NEVER get an expression of regret or remorse or sadness or fright of the people … NO … I can be “happy” if the threatened physical violence to me will be stopped, and I will be spared from further insults.Most people then just turn away from me… cowardly adding the diffuse warning / threat: “Woe to you if this will happen again :-@ !!!” (…..that people will just misunderstand me again.):-(MORE OF THAT which has NOT HELPED untill NOW ! That this shall be a LESSON to me when people “unmistakeable” DON´T say what they want from me ….but “puke” towards me with all aggression, what they DO NOT WANT !Even ARMED, “prone to violence”-occurring men in uniform have been rushed on me !:-OAnd instead of giving me APPRECIATION and RECOGNITION that I offer OTHER ways than this violence, need-distance and rejection of responsibiliy, I’m afraid my fellow-beings just put me on their list of “suspects and geeks” who have lost any “bonus”. :-( (Just because I’m unarmed, do not believe in possession / belongings, show honesty and openness, act mindfully aware try to practice self-responsibility !)However, I need something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from YOU:I want my BE SURE that ALL of my fellow men RESPECT & ACCEPT the VULNERABILITY of LIVING beings & LIFE ITSELF, as well as the genuine feelings and needs, ABOVE all economic, military, security, religious, scientific or “image-tactical” considerations!0 :-)PLEASE make the evidence viewable by your deeds -in accordance with your words- that you have really UNDERSTOOD this AND ACCEPTED my words! Okay ?
I want to be FULLY & UNconditionally ACCEPTED as a PERSON. Please confirm to me whether you are willing to do so , or not ….and WHY that is.