a strangled cry

Gerhard Martin:

MY LIFE: A strangled cry

Medical Doctors tried to judge & label me with the "self-fulfilling Diagnosis" "psychotic/schizophrenic" , retroactively back until age 18, for the sake of distracting UNconsciously from fears of death, which they had left themselves, when I was age 8 Months ! :-O

Since I had been strangled and shaken almost to death (-most probably by a young, hopelessly overworked, overstrain & overwrought nurse-) when I was a baby in Kempten Hospital in 1975, my life had been accompanied by the fear of death that my fellow man would RATHER KILL ME in their blind wrath & psychosis, than they would realize what they are doing! :-O

And everything began THIS way:

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) emotional experience of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” (---> = fixation of the baby & spinal cord (liquor) removal)

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- "Arms always held far to the side, when sitting and lying"

"permanent holding the arms spread aside NOT noticed (by the Parents)"

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no empathy, no shelter, no peaceful Proximity, no "nest-warmth", NO basic trust or being accepted :-(

Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts” . This would be indeed “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O

She has expressed the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped for spinal cord removal or “fixed”. :-S :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back, and I stopped sleeping well.

Did a hopelessly overstretched and overburdened NURSE not stand my screaming for my parents any more, and start to choke, strangle and shake me, due to helplessness and Unawareness of Needs ?

The circumstances in particular could be easily clarified by honestly communicating, but I am afraid I only face a wall of icy silence, hushing-up, glossing-over, veiling, holding-back, keeping secret & concealing …plus: rejections, repulse & attacks ! :-X :-O :’(

I constantly struggle with exhaustion and hopelessness-depression that ALL my ever so clear appeals of CONSCIOUSNESS, honest feelings, vulnerability & neediness to my fellow human beings are ultimately VAIN. :-(

I am constantly in danger of imploding as a person and to collapse when I offer vulnerability, self-responsibility & free decision on everyone´s choice … but STILL get … or even get MORE violence, threats, abuse, insults, unkindness, disrespect, misunderstanding …. and above all: “NOT-goal”-demands !!!

I feel then, how everything starts to turn around me & seeming to be shaking/wiggling in an intoxication of fear …. and every time I use up ALL TRUST of this world to expose me defenseless (-again and again-) to the blind rage of my fellow humans ! 0 :-)

But as a thank I get (almost) NEVER get an expression of regret or remorse or sadness or fright of the people … NO … I can be “happy” if the threatened physical violence to me will be stopped, and I will be spared from further insults.

Most people then just turn away from me… cowardly adding the diffuse warning / threat: “Woe to you if this will happen again :-@ !!!” (…..that people will just misunderstand me again.)

:-(

MORE OF THAT which has NOT HELPED untill NOW ! That this shall be a LESSON to me when people “unmistakeable” DON´T say what they want from me ….but “puke” towards me with all aggression, what they DO NOT WANT !

Even ARMED, “prone to violence”-occurring men in uniform have been rushed on me !:-O

And instead of giving me APPRECIATION and RECOGNITION that I offer OTHER ways than this violence, need-distance and rejection of responsibiliy, I’m afraid my fellow-beings just put me on their list of “suspects and geeks” who have lost any “bonus”. :-( (Just because I’m unarmed, do not believe in possession / belongings, show honesty and openness, act mindfully aware try to practice self-responsibility !)

However, I need something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from YOU:

I want my BE SURE that ALL of my fellow men RESPECT & ACCEPT the VULNERABILITY of LIVING beings & LIFE ITSELF, as well as the genuine feelings and needs, ABOVE all economic, military, security, religious, scientific or “image-tactical” considerations!

0 :-)

PLEASE make the evidence viewable by your deeds -in accordance with your words- that you have really UNDERSTOOD this AND ACCEPTED my words! Okay ?

I want to be FULLY & UNconditionally ACCEPTED as a PERSON. Please confirm to me whether you are willing to do so , or not ….and WHY that is.

Entrevue d'admission involontaire avec le Dr. Filipidis Trust, en médecin de garde en salle dans votre hôpital psychiatrique local:

Dr. Filipidis Trust MD psychiat.

( Dr. Philip E. Distrust MD psychiat.)

INvoluntary admission interview with Dr. Filipidis Trust MD, on-duty ward doctor in YOUR local mental hospital. :

Basic Trust, being accepted, empathy, understanding, clarity, openness, consciousness, awareness, self-responsibility, emotional honesty, offering of free choice & expressing vulnerability…all that you CAN´T learn from MEDICYNICS ! :-X